Acquiring a true identity

In such a group, you don’t talk about food or about the past. Saying what you think is less important than saying how you feel.”

But those who seem to have it all together are actually emotionally dependent, while those who seem self-confident are convinced that nobody could love them for who they are. Appearances can be deceiving and my experience has shown me that people who rely on addiction to live are people who not only uncomfortable in their bodies (which could be easily remedied with yoga, relaxation, or traditional therapy), but don’t feel their bodies at all. The participants in my therapy group who are professional dancers and athletes, and still don’t feel a connection to their bodies.

Out of step with themselves, with their lives, and with others, they pretend to be present in their work and family life. They are very good at maintaining this illusion because, since childhood, they have put together a “survival kit” to adapt to their childhood environment or maintain a distance from it if it was painful. But if they have successfully managed to create this illusion in their environment, the faults of this machine emerge in group therapy, where everyone learns to recognize what rings false and what is real.

In such a group, you don’t talk about food or about the past. Saying what you think is less important than saying how you feel.

Hunting for authenticity

Intensive group therapy

Intensive group therapy is the ideal setting for addictive personalities. Having confrontations with others allows people to discover their true personalities more quickly than by just talking about their life stories. Twenty to thirty people come for therapy one weekend every 2-4 month or one week two or three times a year. The focus of the group is always the same. People try to say how they really feel deep down, without trying to be smart or to please others. They try not to hide behind their fears. They learn to become themselves, and use the others as reference points to discover their own boundaries. Studying the way people interact makes it possible to identify what is authentic and what is not. It’s not so much what people are talking about, but how they are talking about it.

Dropping the masks

Most people can’t imagine speaking in front of others, but are sometimes moved to do so. And those who are more reserved, even silent, in groups are not wasting their time. They see themselves in others, which strongly affects them and inspires them to change. These groups last a few days because it takes time to drop the mask, become aware of one’s rigidity, and to learn how to deal with it without hurting oneself or others. Profound issues are raised to the surface, but there are many moments of real joy and fun. Most participants enjoy the time they spend in group therapy. They experiment with how not to remain alone. As the group progresses, their view of others and themselves changes, and their anxiety diminishes.

Most people in the group have eating disorders because these addicts feel the greatest need for therapy. Most are women, who are often beautiful, intelligent, and funny, but some others are transparent in their unhappiness. Some are fifteen years old, others are sixty, but when they speak authentically, age no longer matters. There may be one or two men in the group, either because they are suffering from bulimia, or because they are the husband or father of a bulimic (who is not present) and want to understand her. But they aren’t just there to watch. They are also important as members of the group.

A relatively brief therapy

The first experience with group therapy allows people to decide if it will work for them. Only one workshop of several days is not enough time to recover, but it is often enough to reveal just how much someone is mistaken about themselves and others. It also allows people to feel how good it is to simply be and to express themselves. Simple exercises, like practicing saying “hello” without faking a smile or lowering the eyes can give someone a feeling of identity. At the end of this first workshop, participants know whether they will continue coming or not.

The bulimia starts to go away

Although bulimia is not directly discussed, as the group progresses, people’s real identities start to emerge, the bulimia diminishes, and then disappears of its own accord. People aren’t bulimic for life. During therapy, people stop being obsessed with food. Although some bulimic behaviors can persist, people no longer feel bulimic after a few months. This is evident even in the very first workshop where new members dare to be their true selves for the first time and when they listen to people at the end of their therapy.

Telephone follow-ups

and are capable of destroying their relationships by being either too needy or destructive. This leads them:

• To be between two impulses, either flight, aggression, or inauthentic attitude of seduction.
• To have moments of panic, of violence, or of hopelessness when faced with relationship difficulties.

As a therapist, I am reachable by telephone whenever necessary. A simple call can put an emotional crisis in perspective and avoid a relationship crisis and its consequences. The need for such contact will lessen as people start using their new skills.

Post-therapeutic follow-ups
Some people need more sessions than others. Even when they are not bulimic anymore, it might be useful, in order for them to maintain the skills they have acquired, to occasionally participate in a group session.